On Butchery
by anonymous moose
Summary: Shepard shares his thoughts on revenge with a member of his crew. A brief, heartfelt discussion about the merits of murder and butchery.


"Garrus. We need to talk."

He didn't look up from his console. "Can it wait for a bit, I'm in the middle of some-"

Shepard punched the console. Hard. Garrus glanced over, stared at his fist. He quickly tapped away at the console and the holographic interface disappeared. He turned and crossed his arms. Shepard gave him a look.

"You're done sulking."

His mandibles twitched. "I'm not sulking."

"You're _sulking._" Shepard turned away and showed him his back, pacing away and resting his hands on his hips. "You're sulking because you didn't get to paint the ward blue with his blood."

He heard Garrus' fists clench against his armor, the very quiet squeeze of his gauntlets. "You got in my way."

"You're god damn right I did." He glanced over his shoulder, piercing eyes and lantern jaw. "You were going to murder a man in cold blood. In public. On the _Citadel_, for fuck's sake."

"It's no more than he deserved."

"Yeah." He faced the wall again. "You don't get to make that call."

He felt Garrus stare at the back of his head like he could bore a hole through it.

"This is about Torfan, isn't it."

Shepard shut his eyes and bowed his head.

"Of course it's about fucking Torfan." _When is it not?_ "I'm well acquainted with revenge, Garrus."

Garrus tried to steel himself. He heard it in the flanging tones of his voice. "It was a military action, Shepard-"

"It was _revenge_." He spun around and faced him fully, eyes cold and hard. "Or are you going to argue?"

Garrus met his gaze, kept it level. Shepard slowly went through all the vital points for turians that he had learned back at boot camp.

_Do it. Argue with the Butcher of Torfan, you stupid fuck._

He looked away. Shepard's jaw unclenched and the tension left his shoulders. He turned and leaned against the console, staring at the Thanix cannon. Garrus leaned back and stared at the door.

"It was a mistake, Garrus."

"It was my mistake to make, Shepard."

"And it was my duty to make sure you didn't."

"Because you're my commander?"

"Because I'm your _friend,_ you ungrateful shit."

There was a pause.

"It wouldn't have helped, you know."

"Because it didn't help you?"

Shepard bit back something he would have strongly regretted saying. He couldn't think of anything convincing to say, so instead he decided to be honest.

"Every night I'm back on Mindoir. Every night I see his face. The only one I got a good look at."

Garrus shifted next to him. Shepard didn't look. He was worried he might see pity there.

"They all look the same to me, Garrus. It's sick, but it's true. Every one. Torfan was everything I had ever wanted, and after it was done, you think I was happy?"

Shepard took a slow, steadying breath.

"I wanted to stick a fucking gun in my mouth."

"Shepard-"

"Shut up and listen." He turned and leaned back against the console, crossing his arms. He stared at the door, still unable to look the turian in the eye. "Revenge is a poison, Garrus. It eats away at you until there's nothing left. The only choice that gives you any kind of peace is to let it go. You let it go and you walk away, or you fall down a hole so deep you never climb out."

Garrus clicked his teeth. "You climbed out."

"Did I?"

Another pause, longer than the first. Garrus sighed and his breath came out a bit shaky.

"I hear you, Shepard."

The crackling tension that had filled the air gradually faded away.

"Glad you still have ears, Garrus."

He shifted next to him, laced his fingers together, lounged a bit against the console. "Still feel like killing someone."

"Anyone I know?"

"No. Just... let's find some mercs or something."

Shepard nodded. "I think we can do that."

A silence grew, and Shepard was content that he had cleared the air. He didn't know if Garrus would be okay. He hoped so. There were already two angry men aboardship who had their own views on vengeance, they didn't need to add a third.

"So," Garrus said conversationally, "what's this about you and Tali?"

Shepard grinned tightly. "Didn't peg you as the jealous type."

"Quarians aren't really my speed. I just figured you and Jack would get along better."

Shepard laughed. Two angry men and one woman, he amended. "She seem like my type?"

Garrus tilted his head and shrugged. "Seems like the only woman who could put up with you for any length of time."

He turned and met his eye. "You really don't know Tali that well, do you?"

Before he could say anything else, Shepard reached over and clapped him on the shoulder, then walked right out of the battery.

Another day, another suppurating emotional wound on a member of his crew. Hopefully this one would heal, or at least scab over. Sometimes it seemed like Garrus was the only one he could talk to. He'd hate to lose that.


End file.
